I remember this blog

I was suddenly brought out of a fog today when I stumbled upon my blog name and picture as I was posting a comment on someone else's blog. Wow, its been a long time since I wanted to write about something. This blog will start with some poems that I wrote about Tim that never made it here. Here it is:

Middle son, Sunday born

Southern California morn

Took him home not too far

In the orange volkswagon car

Time sped by, up north went

Grew up fast was hardly lent

Now a man, his own life

Back in LA with his wife

Talks enthusiastically

Intellectually curious

Mesmerized by beauty

Occupied with words

Thinks creatively

Honors God (timeo theos)

Yields wisely

There now exists a poem about each son!

Maybe in this, my 62nd year, I will be be inspired to leave many more words to my husband, sons, and others about what is true, honest, just, pure, lovely, good report, virtuous, and praiseworthy.

Nasturtiums

I found these at Bay Laurel nursery this week. These flowers (actually herbs) remind me of my mom. She always knew the names of flowers and I remember having nasturtiums in our yard. I tried to grow these from seed one year, but only the leaves grew without flowering. They are so cheerful. Rich says they will die with the cold weather, but I don't care. I'm enjoying them now.

Its been a long time since I've written here. I'm in the middle of summer, a couple of good books by Tim Keller, and getting ready for Big Sur! Going to SLO for some oilcloth for a tablecloth today!

Trees

This is the time of year I like best for looking at trees. God surprises me daily with these beautiful scenes. Recently I walked down Mill Street in San Luis and I took this picture. Someday I hope to find the perfect photograph of trees to put on a wall in our living room.

Better late than never!

Finally! Morning glories are growing. How grateful I am to have a husband who doesn't mind planting flowers and tending them for me. It's hard to believe that the holiday season is upon us, and once again, all the ideas for homemade gifts I had last season will have to wait till next season to get done. It's not too late to prepare my heart, though, to receive my family as they come for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Here's a poem:

Picturing your faces as you look in through the door
Your eyes searching mine to see my pleasure
To see if I am still Mom

Picturing you coming in through the door
looking around to see if things are the same,
if there is a turkey, or tree, or treat

Picturing you sitting, remembering,
picking up the photo albums, laughing,
wondering where those years went

Picturing each of you in years ahead
when I may not see you as often
as you spend time making memories
with your own families

Picturing me, now, smiling, hands raised
in praise to God
for this season of my life

Late afternoon thoughts

Its been a while since I wrote here, and I so enjoy reading other people's blogs, that I feel like maybe I need take my turn. I find myself blogging in my head from time to time such thoughts that flow out of gratitude for what I have. My family, friends, good health, and home. Other thoughts that I have are inspired by my reading of beautiful timely words, or observing creation on my daily walks. I love trees, real ones, and painted ones, pictures of trees and roads leading to or away from them or through them. Lovely rural landscapes, hills with streams or rivers, emerald, sapphire, garnet, golden hues. Not so much animals or seascapes or mountains. Or still life. But I do like wildflowers. I do like morning glories that I have not yet planted. The packets sit in my junk drawer. I've decided not to work next year and I am excited about having time to finally get to all my waiting projects - pictures, flowers, etc. Also, maybe I can be a bit more social. Tea dates with ladies I'd love to talk with. And best of all, being more flexible to babysit Hank the baby from Heaven!

What does a Mother want, really?

I know what I want, really, as a mom. I want my children to be able to say with certainty and conviction, and in true faith, these eternally powerful Words:

"I believe in God, the Father almighty, Creator of heaven and earth. I believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit and born of the virgin Mary. He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried; He descended to hell. The third day He rose again from the dead. He ascended to heaven and is seated at the right hand of God, the Father almighty. From there He will come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. Amen."

I want my children to be able to live their everyday lives knowing that the supernatural intersects the natural whether we see it or not. Whether we want it or not. I want them to know that I pray for them to talk to God, to tell Him about their deepest joys and desires; to thank Him for the lives they have been given; to ask for and receive His mercy. I want them to know that there is nothing that God will not forgive them for, and that there is always hope for their lives no matter how sad or lonely or desperate they may become, because God holds them in His hands and will not allow them to be lost.

I want my children to be good listeners, able to discern wisdom and have discretion. I want them to be satisfied with their life choices and not always be thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. I want them to know deep within their hearts that they are living their lives for more than just themselves. That they are here to be servant leaders in their work, and sacrificial lovers in their families. I want the driving force in their lives to be the realization that because they have been given much, much is expected, and that because they have been loved greatly, they must greatly love. I want them to know that God gets and deserves the Glory.

I want my children to know that I am happy that I got to experience what it was like to carry them in my womb and give birth to them. I am grateful that God let me be their mom and take care of them and teach them and enjoy them in their uniqueness for all the years that they were at home. I worry that I wasn't gentle or careful enough and that my mistakes tainted them and left some scars. And my biggest worry is that I did not teach them to know and love God as I should have. I feel as though maybe they did not see my faith as real or sincere as they became older and smarter and more removed from my world. My faith is real, and sincere, and more so everyday as I stumble through life. I need God's mercy more now than I ever have. His Word is life to me. I eat it up and yearn to tell them about it. Picture me, your mom, as I stand at the edge of eternity shouting at the top of my lungs to the dark prince of this earth, "I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth!!!!!..........."

I love you, Jonathan, Timothy and Benjamin!!!
Mom, in Christ, forever.

Be Still, My Soul

These were the things that impressed me today as I read and prayed and contemplated.

First, the reading of the Scripture verse in Mark 4:38-41.
"...and they awoke Him and said to Him, "Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?" And being aroused, he rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Hush, be still." And the wind died down and it became perfectly calm. And He said to them, "Why are you so timid? How is it that you have no faith?" And they became very much afraid and said to one another, "Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey Him?"

Then this poem by Wendell Berry.

"When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free."

And finally, this hymn, favorite of Grandma Ursula's ( it used to make her cry)

"Be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy side!
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide-
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul, thy best, thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul, thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake -
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul, the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul, the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul, when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last."

It is a blessing to me when I am able to see how God is speaking to me through His word and the words of mere men. I have needed this stillness of soul, this encouragement to have faith that God is good. I can live my life in freedom from fear that He will take away that which I love the most. "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear.." I John 4:18